i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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