My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
