Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
