PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
