Moan for me like Helen Keller
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
