If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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