would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
