Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
