Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
