Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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