if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
