Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
