Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
