Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
