He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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