Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
