PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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