i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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