Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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