If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
