You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
