I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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