The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
