i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
