i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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