As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
