My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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