I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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