You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
