Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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