Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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