Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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