She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
