i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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