I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
