I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
