I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
