our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
this hospital has no fireball
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
