So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
did i walk over a car last night?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
