He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
