Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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