How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
