there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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