My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
