Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
