so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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