You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
