mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
