Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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