The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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