Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
