just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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