I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
