y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
