Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
