saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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