He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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