a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
