literally had 100 drinks last night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
